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What Are U Looking At ? Jokes

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From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuff.

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God assembled three of the world's most powerful men, and sat them down for a good God-to-powerful men talk...
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates shivered in anticipation.
God let them know that he was totally pissed at the way the human race was doing things, and would destroy the world in two weeks. With a wave of his hand, he sent them back to Earth.
Bill Clinton assembled the Cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," said Clinton. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that he's really pissed and will destroy the world in two weeks."
Boris Yeltsin faced the Russian Parliament. "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that despite all our propoganda, there IS a God. The worse news is that he will destroy the world in two weeks."
Bill Gates gathered his Board of Directors. "Guys, I have good news and better news," he said smiling. "The good news is that God considers me one of the three most powerful men on Earth. The better news is that we won't have to fix Windows 95."

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Only in England!

True story in England from an actual trial:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The young man won the case.

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To realise the value of ONE YEAR - Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realise the value of ONE MONTH - Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realise the value of ONE WEEK - Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realise the value of ONE DAY - Ask a daily wage labour.
To realise the value of ONE MINUTE - Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realise the value of ONE SECOND - Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realise the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND - Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
To realise the value of ONE NANO-SECOND - "Ask a Hardware Engineer"!

And even then if U don't realise the value of time you must be a Software Engineer!!

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A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't." she replied. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" the union man asked. "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued a looong time... Finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to a fat sixty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

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You'll recall a Darwin award from not too long ago where a guy decided to strap a cargo plane rocket booster to his car to see how fast it would go, and ended up hitting a cliff several hundred feet in the air. Here's one more. This story was clipped from the recent Darwin awards, which people get for doing something incredibly stupid. True stories. Here's the winner:

Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, as hard as you may find it to believe . . .
Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.
Then one day, Larry had an idea. He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of helium. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated.
Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back to terra firma.
But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down.
Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap. (Now there's a conversation I would have given anything to have heard!)
LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back to safety.
As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television reporter called out, "Sir, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around!"

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these jokes are taken from FTJE-UKSW